2011

I started writing to you to remember parts of your life and what they taught me. I wanted to record some of the lessons I wanted to share with you that I might forget down the line. But life with you is changing. Before, you couldn't talk and it seemed natural for me to keep a record where I taught you things and shared my insights. But now, you're sharing yours. It is such a joy to me.

Tonight you and your sisters came with me to visit my cousin Nathan. You played with his daughter Norah while the grown-ups talked. We talked about lots of things, but as usual the conversation came to Church and how difficult it can be to have a spiritual experience there with small kids. It seems that a little one is always distracted or distracting others and it's tricky to feel connected to the body of the Saints.

As we talked I admitted that I rarely have spiritual experiences at church and with my current responsibilities I'm not always good at studying and seeking them out on my own. I said that my most spiritual experiences happen listening to you pray. I said it meaning to illustrate the point that my life was bereft of the spiritual enlightenment or edification it needed. But in that moment, I realized how important those moments have been in keeping me close to Heavenly Father.

You have a tender spirit and a pure heart. You recognize the importance of prayer. It is so wonderful to hear you pray. We never prompt you or have you copy our words. I don't know if you would do it if we tried. But instead you always express gratitude for specific things relating to your day and you never forget to be grateful for Jesus Christ. And then you close in His name. And both times you say it, you speak it so clearly and lovingly.

When you pray, I feel the Spirit in our home. When you pray, I feel close to Heavenly Father. Being your mother is one of the greatest blessings I have ever received.

Today

Today you wore shoes.

For the first real time in 7 weeks. And you went to the park.

It was a beautiful day!

A simple lesson

Dear Van,

Today I learned two powerful lessons. You taught me one, and I learned the other while you slept.

You have been amazing me with your comprehension and retention lately. My favorite thing to do is to sing a song you are used to hearing and stop before the last word of each line. Song after song, you are able to finish. It makes me feel so proud and happy to see all the things you are learning.

Today, I picked up one of your favorite books and read the title but stopped before the last word.

I said, "My mama had a dancing..."

And you said, "heart."

With a big smile on your face you pulled the book from my hands and opened the pages. You opened to a picture towards the end of a woman in a leotard and skirt holding a rose and you said, "Mama." You looked up at me and I thought of how much dancing has meant to me in my life. I suddenly felt renewed determination to find time for dancing so that I could share more of that part of my heart with you.

The second lesson came later tonight.

In the past few months I've found it hard to find time to study the scriptures. Over the past several days, while I've nursed your sisters I've pulled a small copy of the Book of Mormon out and read. I've had many questions come to mind and have been surprised at how much more I've been affected by not reading than I had assumed.

After putting the book away and snuggling your sleeping sisters into their beds, I got on the computer. More out of mind-numbing habit than necessity, I began to click around and "catch up" on various things. Without thinking I logged onto our bank account. I immediately noticed something strange. Our balance was suddenly several thousand dollars smaller than it had been yesterday when I was paying bills. I looked, and there had been close to fifteen purchases of large amounts in other states. I called your dad and he called the bank and we took the necessary action.

When he had finished I said to Papa (who's here visiting you), "I don't even know why I checked."

And he said, "Yes you do. You were in there reading the scriptures weren't you? It seems simplistic, but it is so true."

Please remember Vanny, since your mama is not always a perfect example. Follow your heart, keep His commandments and you will prosper in the land.

I love you.

Neglect

I promise that any and all neglect for this blog represents priceless hours spent with you.

Yesterday you grew up a little. I don't know when it happened exactly, but it did. You started looking at me and talking to me in a whole new way. It's as if you realized that you can actually communicate.

For weeks now you've been talking up a storm. There are the words in there that I always recognize...

boo-juice

shoe
peez-please of course
tatoooo-thank you, said with the most amazing inflection
hand-usually meaning, take my hand mom and let's walk

hep-help

hooyay
yeah

...and many others. And then there are the surrounding words, the stories, the sentences and even songs said with perfect intonation and language patterns, but without the form. I can often tell what you mean, kind of, but most of the time I just laugh and play along and get you to tell me more. I can't get enough of your earnest little talking.

In the last two days, I want to just play with you and listen to you and watch you because you're changing so fast. You are turning into a little boy who knows what he likes and is starting to understand how to ask for it.

Just today I had two different people ask if I like being a mom and all I can say is-- Yes! I was made for it. But I don't know how anyone who got to be your mom could ever feel differently.

I love you Vanny.

Happy

I think that's what you're saying. Or puppy. Or happy puppy. Or something like that.

But it really does sound like happy. You say it all day long in between strings of jibberish punctuated with barks at Reggie and any other dog you see or hear.

I don't know if you know what it means, but to me you are what it means. You are happy. You smile all day long at everyone you meet and you don't stop until you are deeply asleep.

In the morning, when we hear you talking from your bed, Daddy comes to get you. It's his morning treat to scoop you out of your crib and listen to your waking up sounds. He brings you into me on our bed and you grin and kick with such excitement that I can't help but feel excited for the new day too. Everyone should greet the day with someone who is so happy to see them.

Then, all day long you talk to me. You point at things and ask me questions. You clap and run and never seem to tire of playing the piano and chasing Reggie. Until you do.

Then I take you to your room with a bottle and a book and we sit and sing and read and rock until your milk is gone and you are a bit tipsy. Then I turn you around and you look at me with a cuddly, drunk smile with milk dripping from your chin and you say "Mama" and gently pat my chest and lay your head down for a quick cuddle.

After your nap. We do it all again. We play and talk and laugh and tickle and sing and take everything out of every cupboard and every bucket just in time for Daddy to come home. Then you run to the sound of the key in the lock and clap your hands as Daddy walks through the door.

You grin as you eat your "Tasta" and you laugh as you splash in the bath and scribble on the walls of the tub. Your little mouth smiles through our family bedtime cuddle and it only seems to deepen as I lay you in your bed and you wiggle into your blankets.

Yes, happy. That must be what you're saying.

Screaming Banchee

You. You love to hear those loud piercing screams. And you know I don't. I can tell by that crooked smile that you know. And then I have to laugh and tickle you until those screams turn into giggles.

It must be fun to find your voice the way you are. You talk and babble all day long. You talk to everyone you meet. You call out (across the chapel of course) to anyone who looks your way. Your bright blue eyes and your big toothy, drooly smile make it impossible for them to resist waving or smiling back.

You are finally coming close to expressing all that spirit inside of you. You've been waiting a long time to be able to share it. I know. I've been watching you, waiting. I'm so excited to hear what you have to tell me.

Thoughts on Being Brave

This morning as we were walking dad to the subway for the last time I had a thought. A thought I wanted to remember to share with you when you get bigger.

Well, since my memory can't be trusted for that long, I want to tell you now:
Many things worth doing take a little extra effort.

I know it may sound like something you've heard before, but let me explain what I mean. Last night I went to a ballet class with my friend Valerie. I haven't taken a ballet class in at least five years. Maybe more.

We'd been talking about taking a class at this place for quite a while now, but things kept getting busy and then dad was working on the nights of the class, so it just hadn't happened yet. So we decided a couple of weeks ago that once dad wasn't working at night anymore, we would go and try it out. Last night was the night.

All day yesterday I kept thinking:
I should be doing something else with my evening, to get ready for the move.
GK is running late. There's no way we'll make it. I should just cancel.
I look silly in my leotard. Maybe we should all just go out to dinner.
etc.
etc.

Probably fifty times or so, I had thoughts full of excuses as to why it wasn't a big deal if I just stayed home.

And each time I thought:
You'll be happy if you go. It's only an hour and a half.
You can pick GK up at the train and he can drop you and Valerie off at the studio.
Just try it. This is your last chance at this one, for real.
etc.
etc.

It may sound like a little thing Van, but when it was done, I was glad I went. I did look a little silly in my leotard. But sometimes as I danced I thought of you. I thought of the things in your life that will bring you the joy that dancing brings me. And then I danced.

I hope you're always brave enough to do what you love. Especially when there are reasons not to.